My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

My wife deleted social media off her phone which has actually been great for my productivity because now she does all her scrolling on my phone

My 6yo told his mama this morning “when a man has to fart, he farts.” My little mini-me…

Therapist? I think you mean mushrooms.

Steinbeck: Furious Pears?
Publisher: Meh
Steinbeck: Miffed Mangos?
Publisher: Too Stan Lee
Steinbeck: Irate Tomatoes?
Publisher: Are those even fruit?
Steinbeck: Technically
Publisher: Still no
Steinbeck: The… Grapes of Wrath!
Publisher: …
Steinbeck: …
Publisher: *finger guns*

The sun's finally out! I can actuall-

* cow blows past window *

I'm just saying life is better when you fully utilize all the lemons life has to offer.

'I really like listening to books on tape while I drive'

My coworker who just realized I'm old: 'You mean audiobooks'

eating your lunch in your car at work is the adult version of the high school bathroom stall.

🏆 THURSDAY CONTEST 🏆

This week's theme: LUNCH

Thai food, pasta, PBJ: What's on the menu today? Write us up to 3 🥪NEW🥪 (written today) tweets about lunch.

Open to all size accounts. Tell your friends! Come get a trophy 🏆

ENDS 10PM ET

Them: I'm having vegan for lunch.

Hannibal Lecter: What a coincidence.

Who called them OJ conspiracies and not Pulp Fiction

Life without dad jokes would be puntless

Was going to make an OJ joke but today it won't fit

Who up and who nursing sunburns and neck strain?