GUY ADAMS: What is to blame for the absolute shitshow that is HS2? Well it's OBVIOUSLY diversity!

STATEMENT: GBNews has announced it has suspended Laurence Fox pending an investigation, as they cannot believe that a sexist racist homophobic elitist anti-vax attention-seeking conspiracy nut would make such comments on a right-wing news channel.

FRONT COVER: Why would you want a new class war when we've had a perfectly good one going for the last thirteen years?

TRAINS, PAINS AND AUTOMOBILES: Who needs a high-speed rail service up north when the Government can just get a fleet of taxis to drive stranded people home.

TOMORROW: Just when you think she can't get any more awful...

FLEABAGS: Woman wears ring after making a lot of money.

TODAY: Sir Keir Starmer reveals 'monstrous' plan to try and help the UK recover from economic disaster by... just following EU rules.

'WAR': All I did was wear a t-shirt designed to provoke and upset people and the next thing I knew I was being punished for it. When will the trans lobby leave us alone?!

TOMORROW: Fuck the planet!

AND: If you're so inclined and would like to contribute to my retirement/help me pay my bills fund, then I'd be very grateful if you'd consider swinging by my Ko-fi. ko-fi.com/dmreporter

FORGETTING RUSSELL BRAND: Daily Mail unearths years-old interview and presents it as 'news'. It's almost as if they wanted to take the chance to publish photos of Kristen Bell in a bikini...

AMANDA PLATELL: If Labour gets into power then who knows how many fictional teenagers will end up being able to vote.

DÉJÀ VU ALL OVER AGAIN: If Thomas Markle can keep regurgitating the same shit then so can I.