My main goal at Easter is to eat enough mini eggs to make MEGA EGG.

Wife: we need to spend more quality time together
Me: *cancels plans with friends*
Wife: let's paint the kitchen
Me: *reactivates “plans with friends” subscription*

Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?

If you ever want to truly feel alive, wake up your children by playing hot cross buns on the recorder.

ME: are you spying on me?
GOOGLE: *not making eye contact* no
ME: I feel like I'm being followed
GOOGLE: not by me, nope
CHROME: *shows ads for surveillance equipment*

Ok, I'll bite. What's a BlueSky and can I get an invite?

One time my cat went an entire hour without puking on a rug so I took him to the vets.

My kids are competing about who gets rashes more often, if you want to know what sibling rivalry looks like.

I think about this tweet on a weekly basis.

The internet is out in my neighbourhood so my family hates me.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Her: I'm looking for someone a little edgier
Me: sometimes I eat the bottom of my ice cream cone knowing full well that it's going to leak
Her: *raises one eyebrow*

I met someone today that only likes the cookie part of an oreo and I thought to myself how is it possible that a 5 year old can be so stupid.

One of the things I least want to do in this life is shop for lamp shades, and yet, here I am.

Dear autocorrect,

I am usually trying to type 'are' not 'ate'. Please stop trying to embarrass me.