promise me you’ll all make sure no one reads all my deleted tweets at my funeral.

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

Yeah I’m DTF

Doing
The best I can and
Fucking it up anyway

I need one of those little laptop fans that keeps your computer from overheating when it gets too overwhelmed, but for my brain.

{as i’m laying on my deathbed}
my husband: before you go, where do we keep the big scissors again?

good morning. i’m ready to face the day and take everything personally.

coworker: hey kim, we’re all going out to dinner next wednesday after work can you make it?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it's right there

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

found your mother’s nickname in HS

when you write “af” do you mean “as fuck”, “ass fuck” or “aluminum foil”? i’m not a fucken mind reader.

please wish simon a very happy gotcha day! the bestest little boy in the whole world 🌎 thank you for making my life so much happier❤️❤️❤️❤️

{me watching a fight at a hockey game}
i think they’re just pissed off bc the floor is so slippery.

I'm walking on sunshine you stupid bitch

“no worries! all good!” me when i’m 100% worried and it’s not good.

the reason why the adults from Charlie Brown spoke the way they did is bc their throats were always swollen due to their Peanut allergies.. folks,,,,

see when you can’t sleep & count cows instead of sheep it’s pasture bedtime. thank you

it’s always smart to carry a knife on you at all times in case you run into someone w 10,000 spoons

the cashier at TJ Maxx just asked me if i needed to pick up any gifts for mother’s day bc they just got a bunch in so i said “no thanks, she’s dead” and she just stared at me for 30 seconds then asked if i wanted to save 20% by opening up a TJ Maxx rewards card.