It is with much bing that I must admit bong.

Human Centipede but the person in front has a bugle and the person in back knows how to play.

What most people don’t realize about this is that the guy is screaming in frustration that nobody understands him.

No one would be better at going after Donald Trump for constant farting than Donald Trump. It sucks that he’s not available for that.

You would do fine in the asylum where they raised me. There were Kudos bars and a lot of times I was actually at Gabe’s house.

Every generation thinks they’re living through uniquely fraught times, but surely this must actually be the most annoying time.

I’ve lost a cheese grater, a thing that I couldn’t have possibly ever left the house with.

I was just about to go to the store to get stuff to make egg salad and then I realized that’s literally what Steve Carell does in 40 Year Old Virgin and also I’ve never had sex before.

Wait.

You’re all so distracted by the “dumb” design and “dangerous” manufacturing “issues” to take into account how stupid the name Cybertruck is.

To the tune of Baby Come Back.

Is anyone keeping track on when Truck Month actually is? It feels like Dodge is doing it like four times a year and relying on nobody writing it down.

This is as far as I got with this one.

I don’t care if this is actually true. This is about belief. It represents what my heart feels is right.

Donald Trump keeps falling asleep in court because this is the first time in 60 years he has been required to sit still and be quiet. This is the closest he’s ever come to meditating. I’m kind of proud of him.

[cracks open beer, lights up joint]

I don’t have shit in common with this 8 foot tall teenager

(Talking to you like you’re an idiot)

Yes it hurts to stand up from the couch when my back is bad but I have to when I’m about to sneeze because it hurts more to sneeze when I’m sitting down.

Every Doc Rivers quote is like, “Frankly, I think The Bucks should just be a monthly book club, but they don’t listen to me.”

Yes, Icy Hot will help a little with back pain, but more importantly it will make you smell like if they made hospital flavored gum.