You laughed at this scene 20 years ago in college and now it does sound like a nice Saturday

It’s always gonna be this one. Once she starts making goose honks… no matter how shitty my mood is, I’m giggling like an idiot.

LOS ANGELES: Your prayers are answered. A stand-up comedy show from me and my friend Tommy Kang

TIX: tixr.com/groups/nitecap…

New sports bar for the bros just dropped:

LOS ANGELES: Your prayers are answered. A stand-up comedy show from me and my friend Tommy Kang

TIX: tixr.com/groups/nitecap…

My wife told me I'm her 'forever Valentine' which sounds way more romantic than me telling her she's my 'PERMANENT VALENTINE'

Current student loan payback plan: retweeting Mr. Beast

New motto for 2024:

Gotta lose money to find money!

Am I in a good mood or has the coffee just not worn off yet

Risked my life by asking my clearly sleepy toddler if he was feeling tired

Why don't we have horns on the back of our cars yet?

The Civic riding my bumper needs a 'knock it off' honk, not just the Tacoma in front going 12 under

more reasons to love Ronny

5 y.o.: Daddy how old are you?

Me: 33. Do you think that's old? lol

5 y.o.: ... that makes me sick

Me: This is parent abuse

Putting one kid to bed: Bedtime is at 7 PM, no later.

Putting two kids to bed: You can stay up and read for 20 minutes.

Putting three kids to bed: You can watch Cocaine Bear with me as long as you’re quiet.

Dentist: 'Let me know if it hurts'

Oh you mean the mini ice-pick on a murderous vendetta against my mouth with its sidekick needle-water-blast? Yeah it DOESN'T FEEL GREAT.

Sorry I missed your call I was scrolling through photos of myself in my 20s staring at my hairline whispering 'come back'

Me sending an email without exclamation points

Cyber Monday makes you realize just how many times you've given out your email.

'Would you like random pieces of meat?'

Uh, no thanks

'Its on a wooden board'

Oh hell yeah

Having 1 child: OH NO you peed the bed? We need to get you cleaned up and wash the sheets OMG this is a huge ordeal!

3 kids: Mondays at 3AM are pee & puke in bed night, Thursdays are break glass day, Sunday nights we all cry...