Shohei Ohtani hired the wrong interpreter and $16 million was lost in translation.

IN CASE OF FIRE:

1) If someone is on fire, punch them in the face.

2) Cop a feel off the person behind you, as these might be your last minutes on Earth.

3) Squeeze the junk of the person in front of you. It'll slow them down, allowing you to move ahead of them.

4) Exit.

That sounds like a terrible idea, you bet your ass I’m in.

It takes me roughly seven seconds into an episode of House Hunters to realize my hatred of perfect strangers still exists.

My parents have a new tv and I cannot figure out how to use it. I’ve become them.

We took the kids out to a half dozen stores this AM. I have said “stop touching things” enough for the entire 2024 calendar year.

These erudite musings, insightful observations, and Oxford commas are not the panty-droppers I thought they'd be.

I need a haircut so naturally I'll wait until I've had a few drinks tonight and then probably cut it myself

My new goal is to run 10 miles a day because in a year I’ll be 3,650 miles away from my family.

“Well rock me, Amadeus,” is my new catchphrase, because I try to live my life like I’m an 80s sitcom star.

Every tattoo tells a story. Like your wolf tattoo tells a story about missed child support payments

Those free shots they give you at the Mexican drive through are so spicy and don't even have any alcohol

“Mommy, I accidentally had an accident… on the floor”

And other things they left out of parenting books

Karen at KFC… or Whiner, whiner, chicken diner.

This entire day could've been an email.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

[First day of work]

Me: So that's one supreme to go box.

Client:

Funeral director: *pinches bridge of nose* For the last time, it's a coffin.

*cutting Cher open to inspect the rings* you can see here she survived a fire in 1978

I hate when the emojis don’t cooperate 😤

Next time a guy asks to see more of me, I’m showing him my colonoscopy video