7: I want pasta salad

Me: ok but you also have to have blueberries

7: FINE. But I’m going to eat them FIRST and then pretend like I DIDN’T have blueberries

Me: well damn girl, you got me

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you're not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

I think the best part about having teens is the constant reminder that they know everything.

They should add “hair looked weird” to the list of acceptable tardy excuses for high school girls.

me: ill always love you

7: yeah same, especially when you’re dead

me:

7: what? i’ll visit your grave every day!

I sometimes cry when talking about things that are important to me and it makes me sound like a lunatic and I hate it 🙃

I have reached the point of learning French on Duolingo where I can talk about a cow watching trains in the morning.

This trip is gonna be off the hook.

My teen is taking the SAT today. As we were walking out the door, I asked her if she needed a special pencil. She looked at me and said We take it on computers. The air hung quiet between us. Oh I said. Huh I said. It’s the first year she added If it makes you feel any better.

“I’d love to!”

~me, lying

mid life crisis? bro ive been in crisis since 13 ok

Me: What do you want to do for dinner?
Him: I don't care, what do you want?
Me: Doesn't matter, whatever you want.
Him: I don't care.

*Repeat forever, until one of you dies

The eclipse was cool and now it’s over and there was no rapture and so now I have to go home and make dinner. 0 stars.

it’s all fun and games til the good knee gives out

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke's on them because I'm not even trying.

'Not to brag, but I can make my kids angry just by saying, 'Good morning.'

me: do you know where the matter daddy is?

wife: .....what's a matter daddy?

me: nothing baby! What's the matter with you?!

wife: I hate it here

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

I hate when people start a meeting with “everyone having a good day?” Yeah Tina, I’m at work, on a Teams meeting, and I’m on camera…doesn’t get better than this.

There'd be a lot less people having kids if instead people start asking couples if they'd like a new boss in their life that also bullies them and shits their pants a lot.