Remember when people went ape shit over Sriracha? I think I saw some tattoos even. Wild times. Anyways, can you stop winking at me while you pinch that grape?

WHEN U GET DAT GOOD SCRITCH SCRITCH.

Appealing to people who have greater surface area thus requiring more soap. Genius.

People who say they won’t join AA because they don’t believe in god are same ppl who black out and start asking me if they think their dad is in heaven.

Stop this cat.

Jordan Petersons daughter is married to man named Jordan. As a Jordan who is exclusively attracted to my father I think this is totally cool and normal.

Instead of calling people back I just Venmo them 20$. It seems to be working.

goth ice cream shop called
“the creamatorium”

I’m not going home for Christmas. Please think of me when you are with your loved ones. I’ll be knitting a hat in my apartment in ny for a mouse I think is in here.

My tomb stone will say “did you block me?”

The best porn I have found to date is the video of George Bush dodging the shoe. His wry grin.

I’m in Tulsa and considering taking plan B just to feel something.

I just watched “love has won doc”. I can’t imagine blindly worshipping someone said they are god. Unless it were a man who said they weren’t interested in me.

I love when fat people are conspiracy theorists. Round ass thinkin he livin on a flat earth.

Woke people having to go to fecal matter caked Dunkin’ Donuts instead of Starbucks is an incredible development.

When you the whitest one so they make you hold a drum

“I have no self awareness”
- someone being self aware about themselves and thus unaware of themself being self aware and thus correct.

Girls in VT coffee shop:
“I just want to be buried under a tree in a compostable box”
Me turning slowly to face them:
“Right… now?”

At this point that might as well add S for ‘straight’ to the LGBTQABC++

I have the same feeling when someone introduces me to their extremely young gf as I do when the gf has accent: Oh you like them retarded do you?