If you can still see his knuckle tats, he's not that into you.

I only speak like a pirate in rum on sentences.

Why is it called motorboating and not a milkshake?

I would tweet about vaginas but looks like all the good vagina tweets have been snatched up.

You've never heard of the Millennials Falcon?...It's the ship that didn't care about the Kessel Run as long as it got a participation trophy

From today forward I will only dance like Davey Jones in The Monkeys Day Dream Beliver.

You can tell I'm nobody's passenger, Princess, by how much deliciously darker my left thigh is compared to the rest of meh...

🎶I needed retweets 'cause I had none

I fought the algorithm and the algorithm won 🎶

Not to brag but I’m pretty sure I’ve left DNA all over my house.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours*

*Amazon shopping cart

My refrigerator took a shit in the middle of the night, and so now I have to drink all the beer before it gets warm...

Wish me luck 🤞

#MayThe4thBeWithYou #May4thBeWithYou #StarWarsDay

Me: For Star Wars day I'm putting my blaster on 'Stun' for you tonight.
*slow wink*
Wife: Whew, because I think it's been stuck on 'Meh'

My favorite episode of Star Wars is the one with the Tribbles.

If I had to choose between Tic Toc and Facebook, I'd probably choose vodka.

Why is it we don't hear about quicksand anymore??

#May4th #May4th BeWithYou #StarWars

Storm Trooper 1: Party on Wayne. *giggles*

ST2: Party on Darth. *Giggles*

Vader: *sighs* I hate watching Wayne's World with you guys.

Christmas caroling is just another fancy term for home invasion.