If ‘Keanu Reeves Is Not In Love With You’ has been on your Amazon reading list for a little while, now is the time to buy

The paperback is £7.99 and the Kindle edition is less than a fiver!

amzn.eu/d/9JtNUIy

Loved by Jane Fallon Richard K Herring Jeremy Vine Dave Gorman

It’s not often that someone offers to pay you an allowance of $5,000 a week, no strings attached

I’m furious that I let this opportunity slip through my fingers

I guess it’s beans on toast for dinner again 🙄

Undeniable proof that I’m now in a saucy love triangle with Alison Hammond and Dermot O'Leary

Ok, ok, so I was actually just on one episode of This Morning but the saucy love triangle angle is soooo much better for social media!

❤️🔺❤️

If you know, you know…

For those of you asking about when I got long-term sex pest Greg to shave his stomach and see a doctor, here is where it all started…

Channel 4 also covered it in a 5 minute doc if you want to see that too 😊

Stranger Sent D**k Pics So I Convinced Him He Was Dying |

Twitter friends, please join me in prayer for long-term sex pest Greg, who I have just diagnosed with bubonic plague

🙏

I think we would all agree that good customer service is vital

I’ve therefore been appalled by this wig company who, having looked at my Instagram page and decided I need a wig, messaged me to offer their services

I replied with my requirements and have been met with silence

When you’ve dreamt of being #1 in the not-at-all-niche ‘Online Safety & Piracy’ chart on Amazon in the US since you were just a girl but the 9th edition of that damn ‘CISSP Certified Information Systems Security Professional Official Study Guide’ pips you to the post

🏴‍☠️

I don’t care what any of you say, this is THE ONE!!!

🥰🥰🥰

Right then you lot, I’m speaking at two festivals in May and I’m determined to get some of you buying a ticket or two

I’ll be at the Stratford upon Avon Literary Festival on Thursday 2nd May at 7.30pm Stratford Literary Festival

stratfordliteraryfestival.co.uk/events/becky-h…

And the Bath Festival on Friday 24th

Long-term sex pest Greg has obviously been putting some thought into my previous observations about his small hands

Despite this, he’s clearly still in denial and keeps getting cross with me

All I’m trying to do is help 😞

You’d think Elon Musk would be too busy with everything he’s got going on but he really does take the time to reach out to the little people

He seems a little distracted but it’s hardly surprising

I’m just pleased that he chose me

Thanks Elon Musk Elon Musk (Parody)

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

“Middle-aged woman who didn’t take her glasses off before trying to apply eyeliner and then wondered if she was having a stroke because she didn’t feel it and her vision went patchy in one eye”

🙄

LONG-TERM SEX PEST GREG IS BACK!!

It’s always thrilling to get a message from my on/off internet boyfriend

I’m quite concerned though as he inadvertently divulged a problem which may mean he’s finding even simple tasks difficult

(I’ve made his little fella more respectable

I decided to give brave peace-keeping soldier Pedro another go in case he turns out to be ‘the one’

We are taking it slowly and just getting to know each other at the moment

It’s really nice that’s he’s interested in my work - I think that’s a good sign

This might be ‘it’ 🤞❤️

Below are five different things available on Amazon to have delivered to your home tomorrow, each with a price tag of £8.95:

1) one pair of acrylic chickens-in-cowboy-boots earrings

2) one (small) inflatable alien

3) seven guitar-shaped teaspoons

4) three pots of slime

So here’s another thing that pisses me off

You get chatting to a nice lady who tells you that you could be a good match for her brother

So far, so good

You then mention that you’re a single-celled organism and she just drops you

Same old story

You know what? I’m sick and tired of men telling me to calm down

Here’s me thinking I’ve met a lovely peacekeeping soldier but it turns out he’s like all the rest

They just don’t understand…

😡