My husband asked me if he had any annoying habits and then got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation…

Some men, uh?

God it feels good. I can literally taste hope in the air. Everyone I’ve spoken to is excited at the prospect of these fvckers being consigned to the opposition benches for the next decade at least… EVERYONE.

The great GET TORIES DONE - GENERAL ELECTION NOW! proving the perfect backdrop to the rain sodden Sunak speech.
Never has a song been more apt.

On July 5th I’m going to party like it’s May 2nd 1997…

New three word slogan

Fvck the Tories

Can I open a bottle? I’m gonna be celebrating this moment for the next 44 days culminating in the hanging er of all hangovers on 5th July…

4th July.

Our fvcking Independence Day at last.

Economic stability for the few not the many

That is the Tory way. Never forget it. Never vote for them

Every new face in a Tory constituency is STILL A FVCKING TORY.

They are all the same. They’ve fvcked you over and if you give them another 5 yrs you’ll get more of the same.

Oi Rishi Sunak - if it’s just a few spots of rain stopping you from making the announcement, I’m on my way up with an umbrella cos I’m helpful like that…

#GE2024

Sign on the cage of a dog at the rescue centre:

My personality: I am very shy
but I am very food motivated so I am just a few treats away from being your new best friend…

I know this is meant for a dog but…same!

Me: drops something

Me: tells it to fvck off before picking it back up

Is that just me? Or do you do the same?

What do you call a pig that practices karate?

A pork chop…

Why do mums act like your passport and birth certificate belong to them?

My mum: Bring it back

Me: Mum, I’m 63 this year and this is my stuff!

Lost both of them a week later…

Today I learned that ostriches often walk around and then forget where they are going.

Today I also learned that my spirit animal may be an ostrich…

This is the Brexit emergency plan - you know we told you there’d be no food & undrinkable water & all more expensive? It’s a plan for that…if you’re lucky enough to have the money to buy all this extra stuff given the ⁦Conservatives⁩ COLC & the room to store it!

You can stuff your fvcking crocodile tears up ya arse you heartless monstrous old bitch. You belong in prison where you conspired to send 100s of innocent post masters and mistresses.
You’re sorry you got caught. We all fvcking hate you.

Pro tip #17

Ladies, keep at least one dick pic on your phone so when someone sends one you can return the favour with the words ‘you make me hard too’…

Follow me for more advice just like this.

Teacher: Okay, Debbie. What’s your sentence with contagious in it?

Debbie: Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch paint brush. My dad says it will take the cvnt ages…

My husband found a mask, a whip and some handcuffs in my drawer today.

He can’t believe I moonlight as a superhero…

I couldn’t sleep last night so I started reading the dictionary.

By 4am I was past caring!