(texting friend in Australia) hey man what’s tomorrow like? anything I should know ?

if you find that submarine let me know

having a little laugh thinking about my buddy describing a bad little Caesar’s hot n ready he had once as “All Ready. No Hot”

hard to not be at least a little bummed when one of your favorite restaurants announces “we are making some disgusting changes”

that is a great looking landing. Can see why you shared it

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Wherever the poo skid i need to spray off is

(meeting up with a buddy) hey man you been finding out about anything lately

turning a nob on the reincarnating machine to 4 years and it starts ticking down like the timer for bubbles at a hotel hot tub

they thought they had the telescope pointing at the ground

Getting ready for the new year by naming some of the past years. My buddy just said 2008

(checking bathroom stall door and it’s locked and person inside says “there’s somebody in here”) oh thank god. Can you unlock the door? I really gotta go

(checking every stall door in the restroom and they’re all locked) ah damn. I wanted to see those guys shitting

(trying to get arrested) im 42 years old and my wife is 38

(dribbling past defender) excuse me sorry just tryin to get to the hoop