I JUST learned there are people out there who watch movies and don’t try to figure out where they know an actor from. Ok, cool? So you just like watch it? Whatever bro.

I’m from California baby, it was like an earth shimmy. #earthquake

One minute you’re VIP with bottle service at the hottest clubs and the next minute you’re consumed with rage because they switched up the layout of the Trader Joe’s.

📢Announcement! 📢

Hot girl summer is canceled and shall be replaced with maybe I will brush my hair today who’s to say also anyone seen my adhd meds I swear I had them here a minute ago and why don’t I have any matching socks spring.

It’ll be a blasty blast.

Now that I’m a mom, I realize my mom was right. We DID have food at home.

Hey people with free time? How do you do that?

Remember when our parents and teachers told us weed was bad? lol.

Do you know how we found out shit was going down at school? A PHONE TREE! You got a call & you had to call two people & those two people had to call people. Your health & well being was banking on Susan not forgetting to call your ass to find out school was closed. That’s trauma.

Do you all have that friend who you have NO clue what they do for work and it’s too late to ask now?

I imagine a place there all of my headphones and single socks are hanging with my umbrellas and sunglasses just laaaaaughing at me.

Does anyone wanna come over and watch videos of babies getting cochlear implants and hearing for the first time and cry with me?

Remember when your PE teacher just made you run a mile? At like 11:15 am. Just put your pens and pencils down and run a mile. In the clothes you’re wearing. Then take your puberty funk and sit back down in class and talk about parallelograms. Wild times.

If you’re gonna make fun of women-at least make better jokes. Bring your A game fellas…it’s giving…retirement home performance on a Friday at 5pm.

Therapist: it sounds like you HAVE to cut some people out of your life…

Me: I try to say goodbye and I choke…

Therapist:

Me: Try to walk away…and I stumble

Therapist:

Me: Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbl-

Therapist: get out.

I do this adorable thing when someone pays me a compliment, I change the subject and pretend I didn’t hear it. Super cute.

I just found out there are people walking around these streets who watch tv/movies and don’t google the actors to find out “where do I know him from.” Weird.

Have a good day!
(5 minutes later)

Unless you don’t want to, inwhich case you do you.

(10 mins later)

When I said “have a good day”-did that come off like, bossy? If it did, I’m so sorry, it was like a suggestion not a demand.

(3 mins later)

Are you mad at me?

Haunted house idea: A house. And everyone in it is mad at you.