Imagine someone creating scenarios in their head about you.

Growing up is picking your nose with your thumb instead of your pointer finger.

Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.

I just bought my coworker a ‘get better soon’ card. They’re not sick. I just think they could do better.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them watch a YouTube video with slow internet to see who they really are.

Disagreements are often due to one party having information that they don't realize the other party doesn't have.

If dumb people don't realize that they're dumb, how do i know, that i'm not dumb?

12yr old today are having an online business, coding a game for the iphone.. When I was that age, I closed the fridge door slowly to see how the light goes off.

I started telling everybody about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.

I want to live by the ocean but also in the forest but also in the mountains but also in a big city but also in the countryside, you feel me.

What did Napoleon call his penis?

Napoleons boner part

Why won't Americans switch to the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye.

It’s impossible to make a non offensive meme.

Teaching is the only profession where you steal supplies from home and bring them to work.

Anarchy in the UK:

- Would you like some tea?
- No

Some days I stay inside bacause it's just too peopley out there.

I swear if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

I am 00101100 years old today!

I am going to name my son Physics.

Then I will be Father of Physics.