Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Me: I’m ready for a relationship

Universe: did you mean, “lose your job”?

My level of anxiety is needs at least 2 screens going at once

me: dating is hard

me on a date: why would a bull even be in a china shop to begin with

Them: Coachella weekend 1 or 2?

Me: 4 weekends in rehab

Guide to fashion

My biggest fear is that my friends will see when I’ve liked an inspirational quote on Instagram

My dog after I leave the house for 3 minutes

I thought Fat Joe got his hands on some ozempic

“Look Sarah, men’s ears are decorations. They don’t actually work” — my hairdresser on the phone

PSA for pants

I’m 2 job rejections away from an accidental pregnancy

A new partnership with OnlyFans OFTV where I’ll be posting more standup clips and bits

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JetBlue: no carryons

Me: of course not

Unfortunately, eating cookies faster does not lower their calorie count

lowkey 'discharge' is an ugly word i prefer créme de la meow meow

I told my psychiatrist i was afraid of antidepressants because they might make me gain weight and she said that if I eat really healthy and work out every day, it won’t be an issue, which is the most depressing shit I’ve ever heard

Netflix’s version of “don’t jump”

Men who write rude comments on my Instagram are always following NASA