My wife is getting so forgetful. Just last night she whispered in my ear, I'm not wearing panties.

Stay a little silly … behaving all the time is completely overrated

Me in my 20's: 'so nice to meet you'
Me in my 40's: 'move along, nothing to see here'

So there's this boy who kind of stole my heart. He calls me 'Mom'

I’d wish my ex the best for National Ex Spouse Day, but he’s already had it.

They are the poets who pen verses in the heart,
The artists who paint masterpieces in the dark.
Their canvas is life, their colors are emotions,
Their creations, echoes of silent devotions

I’ve never found
the perfect way
to save time
in a bottle
So I live
the hell out of
every moment
No matter whether
they’re colossal and
even when they
may be hostile

You get your coffee and spend an hour in Starbucks, I get mine at 7-11 and sit in my car. We are not the same.

I don't like wine unless it has bubbles and costs at least $9.99

Sex is great and all, but have you ever used a Walmart shopping cart that wasn’t broken?

I hope a little unexpected happiness finds you today … and a whole lot of love

There's nothing I love to be asked more when i've lost something than 'where did you last see it?'

Men should have at least one female best friend so that they can complain about their girlfriend because they can't share this problem with their wives....

#AajKaGyan
#HappySundayPeople 😜

Sometimes I wonder if my husband can find a better wife than me then I remember he can't find anything

Carried my girlfriend out for a nice dinner. I'm hurt she feels I am so shallow. She felt I would expect something if she supersized her Big Mac.

Jude's in bio?

One day you're young and cool, the next you're increasing the font size on your phone so much it can be seen from outer space!

I sometimes wonder if everyone else talks to inanimate objects in their houses too... as I yell at the vacuum cleaner for tangling it's cable round my leg when I specifically told it not to do that

Be the reason someone believes there is more good than bad in the world 🤍

People aren’t tires, you cannot just “fix” them.