Just my luck.. Immediately after sneaking it past security, the bottle in my waist-band fell out and broke open, spilling out all 24 oz of Aunt Jemima on the floor

This Juul ban is a huge step in the right direction. It’s great to see that children will no longer be able to damage their health with those vape pens, and can go back to smoking good, old-fashion cigarettes like the good Lord intended

I got the vaccine and in less than 24 hours I had internal bleeding and ended up in the emergency room after falling off a stack of milk crates

My younger brother now has the 5th most retweeted tweet of all time. My parents are so ashamed. They raised him to be a winner— not some 5th place nobody

I threw a house party my sophomore year of high school and my big brother was nice enough not to tell my parents, he even helped me clean up after. What I didn’t know was that he took all the empty beer cans, boxes, & cups and stuffed my dads car completely full of trash

I noticed the smoking hot babe behind me eyeing me up & down when the Qdoba cashier announced I’ve saved up 91,000 rewards points (30 free entrees). No thanks hunny. Guys with assets like these pay no attention to gold digging hussies

One cool part about dating is being yelled at for leaving the toilet seat up by some stupid idiot girl who leaves entire locks of hair on the walls of your shower

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a month. I made the decision to take a short, much-needed break from social media to focus on me and my mental health. Also, I wasn’t allowed to have my cell phone with me in jail

Trump looks like the kind of guy who keeps his cool while everyone else is freaking out that the hooker died

Crazy that some day my kids are gonna be asking me “What was it like to live through the 2020 pandemic?” and I’ll be like, “It was fine. So anyway, who’s this Jeff loser your mom is dating? Does she still talk about me?”

Ladies, it’d be a huge help if you’d all just collectively agree to stop wearing face masks. It’s getting too hard for all the divorced, middle-aged dads to decipher which of you are smiling, and which or you need to be told that you should be smiling

So if there’s one terrible white person you call him an “asshole” but if there’s 3 or more it's considered a “pub crawl”?

I comment “😍❤️” under my girl’s instagram pics to let everyone know she’s DEFINITELY fucking other dudes

One thing I’m gonna really miss about Minnesota is being called “Jersey Shore Douchebag” and having guys try to beat me up at a machine-shed party for not knowing anything about transmissions or snowmobiles

When my dad was my age he owned a house & already had his first kid with my mom. I rent an apartment & haven't even made it to second base with my mom yet

“I make one tweet about how I’m still going out, trying to live a normal life with COVID-19 & I get hundreds of people being mean to me, the police department calling me, Twitter deleting my stuff & suspending my account”
-Me venting to my grandparents at the nursing home today

Its not weird to hang with your ex! My ex & I are honestly still best friends & I find her hilarious😂 She’s always been super paranoid so I get that she would wanna do the whole social distancing thing but I just got court mandated papers telling me to stay 1000ft away from her

I peaked in high school

Still think it’s bullshit how paper “beats” rock just by covering it but whatever, point is, it looks like my girlfriend’s keeping the kid