It better be about his music

Hiring two private investigators to fuck each other

2 things can be true at once. For instance, I am happy but also that is not true

*David Blaine eats glass*
Me: what the fuck? this isn’t magic?
My dad: yeah not at all
David Blaine: but I got you two to agree on something.
My dad and I, in unison: ...damn, he’s good

Oh, straight people dont have culture?? Then explain How I Met Your Mother

Can we stop making jokes about capitalism? Some of my best friends are rich

what if one day ur therapist was like “wtf? that makes no sense”

Crazy how my follower count is low and yet my tweets also do poorly

Rugs but for ceilings

Getting good at twitter is like getting good at sex because i have not

Cancel culture isnt a thing cuz ppl who r problematic enough to ‘get cancelled’ have fanbases that dont give a shit. No one’s like “The President of Barstool Sports is sexist? Well, I’m no longer a fan”

Guys are like 'I'm a feminist, not practicing tho'

I did a podcast with @devinkeast and talked about doing tons of drugs and then becoming a comedian. Listen here: anchor.fm/devinkeast/epi…

No disrespect bro, but ur an idiot and i dont respect you

I’m done being political on twitter. It’s exactly the kind of thing that’s tearing this country apart and it wasn’t getting any likes

my stance on abortion is that my mom should be able to kill me now

Well well well, if it isn’t hot singles in my area who just want to fuck

Do ppl on the west coast even have therapists or is it just their friend Cody being like “damn dude trauma does not slap”

CAN'T WAIT TO REOPEN APRIL 2! 🎉
Def a step in the right direction! Thanks to all the comics & comedy lovers who supported bringing laughter back 2 the city. We all need it! Thank you Larry Sharpe James Mermigis & Andrew Yang🧢⬆️🇺🇸 for fighting 4 small businesses. #NYC #NEWYORK 💪🎭🗽

I’m a big Water Guy, constantly drinking the stuff, cant get enough