my pre-workout is two tablespoons of duke's mayonnaise.

Fake rival dad next door had his daddy mow this lawn again so I went over and offered to change his diaper in case his daddy was too busy to do that for him too

It’s mental health awareness month and I’m here to tell you that prioritizing your mental health is one of the best things you can do for your children.

Monday night, kids are in bed. I’m curled up with a bag of veggie straws as my husband snacks on goldfish crackers. We watch this weekends SNL as we’ve been too tired til now. He falls asleep, remote in hand. I pretend not to watch the rest. I know, tomorrow, we’ll try again.

My children have the uncanny ability to sense that I’ve just begun to rest

star wars fan: may the fourth be with you!

me, former catholic: and also with you

Adventure in my 40s means going to the grocery store without a list

my 11 year old has become too cool to say he loves us but today we were watching a video of how a young man gave his life saving his mom and without skipping a beat this kid turns to me and says

“I’d do that mom, I’d save you”

needless to say, my heart exploded

my 7 year old came home from school and told me she learned online safety including not to click links that people you don’t know send you

because you might end up with a fungus

it’s all fun and games til the good knee gives out

mid life crisis? bro ive been in crisis since 13 ok

2024

ai that can write entire books-yes

resealable bags of flour-no

Do you know what absolutely wild?

I’ve driven my car for 8 years but now that my 15yo is learning to drive with it the blinker just “randomly” turns off.

Wild.

It's 7:36 am and my wife's on the phone with someone and already asking for a Manager. So I'm gonna go ahead and look busy now

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

number of days since i took a sip from my water bottle and a spider whooshed into my mouth: 0

There’s at speed at which my wiper blades move thats so fast I feel idiotic

My 8 year old asked if I’d seen his water bottle and I said it was next to the couch. He started to walk off then paused and asked, “the couch for sitting or the couch for laundry?” and the accuracy of the question stung a little.