the best thing to do when you meet the love of your life is to update your hinge profile, now that you’ve hit this bar you can find someone even better.

if you see your boyfriend on hinge he is just there double checking that you’re the perfect one, it’s actually showing dedication & true commitment to you.

when she says:

“my dog comes first.”

“looking for a father figure for my dog.”

“you’ll have to win over rufus first.”

nikki glaser is who amy schumer thinks she is.

which profession would you absolutely not date?

zoloft sales take a huge dive when the sun shines in nyc.

i found it hilarious when anthony jeselnik was talking about how there’s always a list of things the roastee would give the writers and roasters that were off-limit topics, & the only one trump had was that they couldn’t make jokes about him not being as rich as he claimed he…

which tech leader has perfected the art of saying nothing by saying something?

what’s the difference between a wife & a girlfriend?

40 lbs

why do some women have an insanely hard time grasping the concept of supply/demand? deeply fascinating.

the women you want aren’t looking.

girls will wait seven hours for a guy to text them back with:

“lol. same.”

what’s your truly off the wall really out there contrarian take?

like seriously something you legit believe to be true but very few others usually do.

emmanuel macron is the first childless president of the fifth republic.

with the personality of a crumbled up paper napkin.

girl showing a pic of you to her gc:

“i swear he looks better in person.”
“he has a great personality though!”

these are the kinds of growth metrics that will get VC’s insanely horny.