Now what?

-Kids after doing two activities on the first day of summer break.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

Babe, it’s called the stall and it actually happens to everyone at some point.

Sorry the Memorial Day brisket your husband smoked wasn’t ready until Tuesday morning.

Wake your teenagers up at 5 AM on the first day of summer break to get back at them for all the times they woke you up as a toddler.

Dads who haven’t posted a picture of their family in years just shared the pic of meat they just loaded onto the smoker.

Sorry I asked if there would be an open bar a your kid’s preschool graduation party.

I can’t walk through our kitchen without using at least 3 paper towels.

Brought my own steak to a rival dad’s cookout and told him I would grill it myself so I didn’t get a well done steak like everyone else.

My daughter graduates high school this week so that means at any moment my wife may start crying like everyone we know just died.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

I think not putting a penny in each of your penny loafers is a wasted opportunity but that’s just my 2 cents.

I just want to get attractive enough that I can stop working on my personality.

Who decided parents should be invited to elementary school field day?

[me at your front door]
Hi, can you unlock your gate? Waze wants me to cut through your backyard.

Sometimes you have to pull your truck up over the curb and park in the grass at a youth sporting event. It’s a small flex but the rival dads notice.

Those 25 cent peppermint patties at the Mexican restaurant cash register hit different.

I wore ankle socks today and some Gen Z kid said they could tell I was in my 30s which was pretty sweet because I’m in my 40s.

Me: Let me know if you want help studying for your AP Lang test.

Daughter: No thanks, you still put two spaces after a period.

Sometimes I can't decide if I want to go to bed or stay up and eat a bunch of chips.