I am a bad person and have locked a Tory in a room. Please pay me £5000 or I'll let him out.

i just replied to a DM from a month ago and the dude sent back the Simpsons gif of Ringo Starr answering Marge's fan mail 30 years later LMFAO

In my experience, and frankly everyone else's, vegans only tell people they're vegan if answering a question about dietary requirements.

Comedy gold.

verily, ‘tis hammer time

Why does this duck have a name designed for wearily exclaiming when it gets into mischief yet again.

I regret to inform you I am now Facebook famous. People will be Remembering Things soon.

I am fully here for this sort of behaviour.

'I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.'

- Stephen Jay Gould, Harvard evolutionary biologist

Mark Lavern 🇷🇺 Katy Montgomerie 🦗 I know you're just a trollfarm weirdo, but I'm on HRT for perimenopause, and I assure you that hormones really *do* help my mental health. People should have whatever hormone combo they need to feel better.

'If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, treat yourself to an exceedingly good French Fancy'
- Mr Rudyard Kipling

I’m excited for the continuing updates from these lads. I want a new photo every 5 years, so future historians can track our descent into climate change chaos through the width of our trousers

RIP one of the most fun shows I've ever been involved with.

Transphobes answer to a concerned mother of a 15 year old girl 'she's asking for it by'
The same excuse used by all rape apologists, blaming the victim for how they dress not the person who assaults them.
Also there's no evidence how the teen dresses, she just assumes

This morning I saw a car stop and let a cat cross at a zebra crossing and honestly it's restored what little belief I had left in humanity

Has anyone got 5 thousand pounds, I've been locked up by bad people

‘I’d rather be French.’

A chilling message from the youth of today.

Last time we did one of these, a deflated balloon stole the show for everyone watching the online livestream. This time we've upped our guest game! And I can categorically say that ALL of them bring more detail to the historic Faraday Theatre than a crumpled piece of latex!

we’re there to try on clothes in individual cubicles, Neil, we’re not all giving each other smear tests and breast exams in a communal completely floor to ceiling mirrored cube while an assistant sits sobbing in the corner trying to ask us to focus on the SALE jumpers instead

Well I can’t believe The Now Show finishes tonight. Sad to have not been able to be apart of the final series due to be a west end superstar. What a fantastic bunch of people and will really miss it.

The Now Shooooooooooooooooow

Guy who is about to make you an offer: