*deep inhale*
5 things I can see at the disco
4 things I can touch at the disco
3 things I can hear at the disco
2 things I can smell at the disco
1 thing I can taste at the disco

Women will write a song detailing their letter asking Santa to bring their ex back for Christmas instead of going to therapy.

you want me to make friends? the thing that killed julius caesar?

I don't make a ton of mistakes at work but when I do I make them in front of the same person every single time who must think I am the dumbest person ever to live

anyone else getting a real particular vibe on their wrapped, just me?

I don't think I've ever heard something that sounds as much like a conspiracy theory but isn't as 'there are only 25 blimps'.

used my $2 in cash tips to buy a scratch off and won $3 god gives his funniest jokes to his minimum wagest workers

Me, angrily staring at the screen as I see that someone has copied one of my tweets: 'how dare you, that's MY communist propaganda!!'

Please contact my office to license my commentary. @[email protected] Watching in horror as a gang turns my house back into house ingredients

the unbelievable high of getting a “sorry, I’m running late!” text when you, yourself, are running late

WAP is the only song to my knowledge that contains the word Gobble and thus should be the official song of Thanksgiving

quit complaining about stores playing christmas music in november and start writing some thanksgiving songs. we wouldn’t be in this situation if thanksgiving had bangers