This Week at Helium | Liam Cullagh, Emma Willmann, Mary Santora will be Upstairs, + Desi Banks headlines the weekend!
Grab tickets now: bit.ly/3QzPDCy

This country is divided, but I think we can all agree there is one group that needs to be stopped. The people who make everything into a cookie. A Kale cookie? Who do you think you’re fooling? Stay in your lane, healthy bakers.

Why do they call it social media when it’s the most isolating thing ever? It’s the opposite of social. I could go days looking at my phone and not talking to a single person.

Being from a small town is weird because your judgments are based on a really small sample size. If someone is homophobic, I know it's because they don't like me, personally.

Tomorrow is a magical fantasy world, it’s like Disneyland for adults. In theory, all my dreams will come true, but in reality I’ll end up exhausted and mad at myself for spending $45 on a churro

67% of second marriages end in divorce and SEVENTY-THREE PERCENT of third marriages end in divorce! Whoever said “Third time’s a charm” was definitely single

You know you watch too much true crime when you start every conversation with, 'So, where were you on the night of...”

The food at sporting events …it’s like they give us the calories we see the players burning. I stress eating from them running around!!!!

Just 4 more days to see Just for Laughs Vancouver shows. Comedians still to see include #billburr , Kathy Griffin, Emma Willmann, Ronny Chieng, Bassem Youssef, Zarna Garg, Annie Lederman, Emil Wakim, Che Durena and other super funny folk. For details, see tinyurl.com/ccdye6ww

Whether or not you think sex work should be decriminalized or illegal, I think we can all acknowledge that it’s hypocritical how America uses sex to sell everything, but  if you directly try to purchase sex…I get kicked out of the Cheesecake Factory.

Roast your college and see if people can guess where you went based on the description.

I’ll go first:

A place where B+ students with money go to get alcohol poisoning in subzero temperatures before transitioning into an 80 hour a week media career.

As you get older your mantras become more reasonable.
18 “the world is mine and I will own it”
28, “miracles are happening”
38 “The IRS  can be my friend'

Being around kids puts a magnifying glass on your own issues. Like “Why can’t I eat candy for breakfast and call grandma a bitch? Aunt Emma does it”

I am DYING at the passive aggressive Midwestern comments on the NYT’s tater tot casserole recipe

You can tell what year someone graduated by what songs they dance to at weddings

I love that we’ve all collectively agreed not to call it X.

My five-year plan turns thirty today.

I used to be a bad procrastinator.  I mean, I still am now I just call it being “future-oriented.”

STACKED GUEST ALERT 🤩 Lauren Miller shares her gut wrenching story of being denied care + her lawsuit vs TX. The brilliant @Sharkfu hops in to break down EMTALA, how med students feel about it, & how abobo exceptions are lies. PLUS Emma Willmann brings the funny. TONIGHT 6PM!

I knew I needed to detox from caffeine when I was rubbing espresso on my gums with my finger.