The sound of the spin cycle makes my brain feel like it’s being chomped by a million tiny rabid men but I’m sure my nervous system is A-ok.

Every doctor read that “worm ate part of my brain” article and braced themselves for onslaught of new patients.

And I’m not above just ASKING ok.

Hiccups cause a very specific kind of rage in me.

So we’re sure it’s been a year since the last Met Gala? Boy time flies when you’re a skull screaming through life with flames for hair.

My advice? Don’t google “Ebola hamsters.”

I find this extremely terrifying:
Joshua Dean & John Barnett, 2 whistleblowers who raised major safety concerns w/ Boeing aircraft & testified against them in a lawsuit, have suddenly died.

Sign to urge investigation: sign.moveon.org/petitions/inve…

Had a blast on College Town with two of the funniest erin whitehead and Seth Morris Give it a listen! There’s a big character reveal you won’t wanna miss!

New COLLEGE TOWN feat DOUGHBOYS!!! Mike Mitchell & Nick Wiger join Jan and Beebo (@sethismorris) for a wild and magical ride through Mammet Valley. Listen in!

Produced by Scott Aukerman Brett Morris Comedy Bang Bang

comedybangbangworld.com

All the jeans in teeny bopper stores have tags that proudly state “NO STRETCH!” and it’s like, what was my strangled little clit fighting for all those years?

At my most stressed my dearest wish is to be one of Martha Stewart’s dogs.

I hate email so much. Like, stick your hand in this box. Is it an invite? Getting fired? the bank? your mom? lab results? AND YOU HAVE TO READ IT ALL ALONE.

Can I puh-lease live in a women’s boarding house and receive all news by pay phone surrounded by my bff’s in nightgowns?

When someone I don’t like reminds me of me, is that low self esteem or high self awareness? It’s not really a win either way.

“What are you pretending not to know?”

The “seen” feature on Instagram DMs is a fun way to feel actively ignored on a platform that otherwise makes you feel really good and hopeful.

Fatboy Slim made me lose interest in heaven.

Thank you for “holding space” for me but since you are my friend, not a licensed therapist, could you just act normal??