My Wife said she's leaving me because she can't handle my OCD.

'Close the door five times on your way out,' I said.

#SidesplittingSunday

What has four wheels and flies? #SidesplittingSunday

A garbage truck 😺

Geoff was always robbing Peter to pay Paul.
That makes him a re-Pete offender.
#SidesplittingSunday 🍸

A small boy came home from school with a sofa strapped to his back and armchairs under his arms.

Angrily his father said, 'how many times do I have to tell you not to accept suites from strangers!'

#sidesplittingsunday

I was fired from my job as an exam marker.

I don’t know why, I always gave 100%.

#sidesplittingsunday

Just watched a documentary about the general who thought up a way to cross the alps with elephants.

Hannibal plan it?

No, it was on the history channel I think!

#SidesplittingSunday

Some farmers are now said to be feeding some of their animals helium.
Oh well, whatever floats your goat.
#sidesplittingsunday

Stress balls have greater effectiveness when thrown at those who cause you the most stress.

#SidesplittingSunday

On a Sunday morning in church, a priest starts his sermon and says: 'Dear Lord, without you we are but dust'.
Hearing this, a little girl leans over to her mother and loudly asks: 'Mommy, what is butt dust?'
#SidesplittingSunday 🍸

I saw Frank washing my car with my son.
I said: 'can’t you just use a sponge?'
#SidesplittingSunday 🍸

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with mental illness. At least that's what the cat told me.
#SidesplittingSunday 🍸

Me: What day does a soldier hate?
Frank: March 4^th !
#SidesplittingSunday 🍸

I once asked Michael Jackson if he thought any flying insects had mammary glands-

He told me “Bee Tit!”

#SideSplittingSunday #LunchPun #RateMyPun

There are two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?

The one with a wee calf.

#sidesplittingsunday

My Four Moods.
miahcombat.com/collection/my-…
#cats

Just won a trip to York on a steam train - I’m chuffed.
#SidesplittingSunday

#SidesplittingSunday I WAS BORN BY CESARIAN SECTION, INSTEAD OF GOING OUT THE DOOR I LEAP OUT THE WINDOW!

#daughter #family #parents
ahteestore.com/products/ett15…

I might have a job mixing cement next week...

But nothing concrete yet.

😂🤣 #SideSplittingSunday

#sidesplittingsunday

Go Beyond Dividends with the Cambria Emerging Shareholder Yield ETF Ticker: $EYLD

Have you ever stood naked in the rain and reached for the stars?

Yes, and that’s how I came to be banned from the Oscars!

#SidesplittingSunday

I used to be in a band called missing cat.

You probably saw our posters.

🤣😂 #SideSplittingSunday